there is always the exception to the rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




 
 Men Are Just Happier People
 

 
NICKNAMES 
·        If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. 
·        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains. 

 
EATING OUT 
·        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. 
·        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 

 
MONEY 
·        A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.. 
·        A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. 

 
BATHROOMS 
·        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. 
·        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. 

 
ARGUMENTS 
·        A woman has the last word in any argument. 
·        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

 
FUTURE 
·        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 
·        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

 
SUCCESS 
·        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
·        A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

 
MARRIAGE 
·        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
·        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. 

 
DRESSING UP 
·        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. 
·        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 

 
NATURAL 
·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
·        Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 

 
OFFSPRING 
·        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. 
·        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

 

 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY 
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! 

 

 
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it. 

 
 
 

Malema has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.


'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.

'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

As you definitely have to stay here,

I'm going to have to let someone else go.


I've got three folks here who were as influential as you, but weren't quite as bad as you. NOBODY WAS!!!

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their

place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'


Malema thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room.

In it were Verwoerd and a large pool of hot water.

He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.

Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' said Malema. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't

think I could stay in hot water all day.'


The Devil led him to the next room.

In it was Hitler with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.

I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day..' commented Malema.


The Devil opened the third door.

In it, Malema saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked

over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Malema looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said

'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said,

'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

 

 
PARAPROSDOKIANS FOR YOU.           

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

OK, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Words of Wisdom:-
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."



 
    
 

Why men are never depressed...
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

________________________________________

    


    


    

 

I THINK THIS I HAVE IT ALL COVERED. I COULDN'T SPOT ANYTHING I LEFT OUT.
 
"I am the Labor Party's Worst Nightmare. I am a White, Conservative, Tax-Paying, God fearing Australian. I am a hard working Australian and I work long hours to earn a living.

I  believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don't push it on others. I drive Australian-made cars, and I believe in Australian products and buy them whenever I can.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some bloody governmental functionary, Labor/Greens or  Liberal, that wants to share it with others who don't work!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a home doesn't make you a  capitalist; it makes you a smart Australian. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English. I believe there should be no other language option.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
 
My heroes are, fellow Australians like Don Bradman, Steve Waugh, Alan Langer, Slim Dusty, Fred Hollows and the Aussie scientists who invented the bionic ear – missed a few I know.
I don't hate the rich, but hate the way they always find ways to pay less taxes. I don't pity the  poor, I hate the way they are always crying that they are hard done by!!

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
 
I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

This is AUSTRALIA....We like it the way it is and more so the way it was...so stop trying to change it to look like some other socialist country! If you were born or legally migrated here and don't like it... you are free to move to any Socialist  country that will have you. (And take Julie Gillard and her group with you.) I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the Lodge, the seat of our biggest problems.

I want to know exactly, where the "Do Gooder's" get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what race, color or creed you are, but not just because you happen to be an illegal alien and scream that they are "RACISTS PIGS". And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driver's license. I think it's good.... 


I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause....Get a job and do your part to support yourself and your family!

I believe that it doesn't take all the intellectuals to raise a child, it takes two parents....

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe the Australian flag should be the only ones allowed to be flown in Australia  !

If this makes me a BAD Australian, then yes, I'm a BAD Australian. If you are a BAD Australian too, please forward this to everyone you know....

We want our country back!
My Country.....
I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War. My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in World Wars 1&2. My grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Depression of 32. My father watched as his friends died in Korea. I watched as my friends died in Vietnam, East Timor & Desert Storm. Our son's and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq .
None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag. Every Australian died for the Australian flag.

At a Victorian high school foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a school flag pole. Australian students took it down. Guess who was expelled...the students who took it down.

West Australian high school students were sent home, because they wore T-shirts with the Australian flag printed on them.

Enough is enough.

This message needs to be viewed by every Australian; and every Australian needs to stand up for Australia. We've bent over to appease the Aussie-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand.

I'm standing up because of the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the Australian flag.
 
And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

AUSTRALIANS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !

This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration !

YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:

1. Get a sponsor  !
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past!
3. Live by OUR rules !  Dress as we Australians Do
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it !
7. NOW find a place to lay your head !

If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM  !

We've gone so far the other way...bent over backwards not to offend anyone.

Only AUSTRALIANS seem to care when Australian Citizens are being offended  !

WAKE UP AUSTRALIA ! !  !

If you do not Pass this on, may your fingers cramp !

Made in AUSTRALIA & DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!!"
AMEN
 

Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe
out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' –
which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all
other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion
to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care,
sympathy, soup. Is that really so much to ask?

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things.
(Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work,
but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues.
In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp.
She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined.
They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them
on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Two and a Half Men” it is a
commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Charlie Sheen’s voice has remarkable
soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers
them soup, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe,
we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
 

An actual letter to the passport office...


 Dear  Sirs,

 I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my  address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable T.V. from  them back in1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

 For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those  insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

 Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

 I apologize, I'm really pissed off  this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!  You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address?

 What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal asses working there!

 Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?  I don't want to dig upYasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would  you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat,  believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell  anyone!

 Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

 Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make  sense. You'd rather have us running all over the  place  like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic  morons)

 Hey, you know why we can't smile?  We're totally pissed  off!

 Signed - An Irate Citizen.

 P.S... Remember

 What I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?  Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........I have served in  the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang..........However, I have to get someone  'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

 Sincerely,
 You Sure In The  Hell Should Know Who I  Am.

 ..............And you want to run  our health care system?!?

It Pays to Know German

                                             

        An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
        Drinking from his pond, with his hand.

        The Amish man shouts:

        "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine
        Haben in ihm geschissen!"

        Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs  have shit in it!"

        The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.  Speak English, infidel!"

        The Amish man shouts back in English:
      "Use two hands, you'll get more!"