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Author Topic: (Clean) joke thread.  (Read 30629 times)

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Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #75 on: February 26, 2014, 03:13:53 PM »

BRILLANT, GOOD LAUGH............WATCH TO THE END.
 

 
 

Hello Everyone,
This is hilarious but you really do need to make sure you see past the first applause because it keeps going… watch the red line on the bottom if not sure.
Make sure you watch right to the end.    Bloody Good Laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/HPyl2tOaKxM
Unless the moral improves the floggings will continue

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #76 on: November 20, 2014, 10:55:31 PM »
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.
 
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
 
 On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
 The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
 He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
 A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
 The CEO said, "Wait right here."
 
 He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
 Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
 From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #77 on: November 20, 2014, 10:57:01 PM »
We written news story  ;)

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #78 on: November 20, 2014, 11:00:45 PM »

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.   Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. 

He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

 
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"


He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mum dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"


Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #79 on: November 20, 2014, 11:05:41 PM »
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that,
as women grow older, it becomes harder for
them to maintain the same quality of house
keeping as when they were younger. When
this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled
this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired
a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to
get a full-time job, along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed.  Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the
same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so
before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table.  I generally have
lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not
an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some
home-cooked food when I walk through that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but
chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush
so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
now and then would help her figure. I like to think tact is
one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was
only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a
scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax
for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience &
consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not
impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating
women get as they get older.  However, Chaps, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that
writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.


Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing
this letter. The police report says he was found with a
Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club
jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing.
A sledge hammer was laying nearby.


His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty",
accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #80 on: November 20, 2014, 11:07:55 PM »
Job at the FBI 


         The FBI had an opening for an assassin . 
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

 
two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

 
the men to a large metal door and handed

 
him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

 
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

 
in a chair . . . kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

 
never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

 
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

 
He took the gun and went into the room. All was

 
quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

 
but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't

 
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

 
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

 
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

 
after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,

 
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

 
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

 
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to

 
beat him to death with the f# ing chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #81 on: November 20, 2014, 11:10:51 PM »
Five Unshakable Facts
 
 
     1.    A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser.
    Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #82 on: January 26, 2015, 03:10:06 PM »
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."                 

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.


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